James Fenimore Cooper:
The Monikins. CHAPTER XIX

ABOUT THE HUMILITY OF PROFESSIONAL SAINTS, A SUCCESSION OF TAILS, A BRIDE AND BRIDEGROOM, AND OTHER HEAVENLY MATTERS, DIPLOMACY INCLUDED.

(Excerpt)

Shortly after, the king and queen gave us all our conges. Noah and myself got through the crowd without injury to our trains, and we separated in the court of the palace; he to go to his bed and dream of his trial on the morrow, and I to go home with Judge People’s Friend and the brigadier, who had invited me to finish the evening with a supper. I was left chatting with the last, while the first went into his closet to indite a dispatch to his government, relating to the events of the evening.

The brigadier was rather caustic in his comments on the incidents of the drawing-room. A republican himself, he certainly did love to give royalty and nobility some occasional rubs; though I must do this worthy, upright monikin the justice to say, he was quite superior to that vulgar hostility which is apt to distinguish many of his caste, and which is founded on a principle as simple as the fact that they cannot be kings and nobles themselves.

While we were chatting very pleasantly, quite at our ease, and in undress as it were, the brigadier in his bob, and I with my tail aside, Judge People’s Friend rejoined us, with his dispatch open in his hand. He read aloud what he had written, to my great astonishment, for I had been accustomed to think diplomatic communications sacred. But the judge observed, that in this case it was useless to affect secrecy, for two very good reasons; firstly, because he had been obliged to employ a common Leaphigh scrivener to copy what he had written--his government depending on a noble republican economy, which taught it that, if it did get into difficulties by the betrayal of its correspondence, it would still have the money that a clerk would cost, to help it out of the embarrassment; and, secondly, because he knew the government itself would print it as soon as it arrived. For his part, he liked to have the publishing of his own works. Under these circumstances, I was even allowed to take a copy of the letter, of which I now furnish a fac-simile.

“SIR:--The undersigned, envoy-extraordinary and minister-plenipotentiary of the North-Western Leaplow Confederate Union, has the honor to inform the secretary of state, that our interests in this portion of the earth are, in general, on the best possible footing; our national character is getting every day to be more and more elevated; our rights are more and more respected, and our flag is more and more whitening every sea. After this flattering and honorable account of the state of our general concerns, I hasten to communicate the following interesting particulars.

“The treaty between our beloved North-Western Confederate Union and Leaphigh, has been dishonored in every one of its articles; nineteen Leaplow seamen have been forcibly impressed into a Leapthrough vessel of war; the king of Leapup has made an unequivocal demonstration with a very improper part of his person, at us; and the king of Leapover has caused seven of our ships to be seized and sold, and the money to be given to his mistress.

“Sir, I congratulate you on this very flattering condition of our foreign relations; which can only be imputed to the glorious constitution of which we are the common servants, and to the just dread which the Leaplow name has so universally inspired in other nations.

“The king has just had a drawing-room, in which I took great care to see that the honor of our beloved country should be faithfully attended to. My cauda was at least three inches longer than that of the representative of Leapup, the minister most favored by nature in this important particular; and I have the pleasure of adding, that her majesty the queen deigned to give me a very gracious smile. Of the sincerity of that smile there can be no earthly doubt, sir; for, though there is abundant evidence that she did apply certain unseemly words to our beloved country lately, it would quite exceed the rules of diplomatic courtesy, and be unsustained by proof, were we to call in question her royal sincerity on this public occasion. Indeed, sir, at all the recent drawing-rooms I have received smiles of the most sincere and encouraging character, not only from the king, but from all his ministers, his first-cousin in particular; and I trust they will have the most beneficial effects on the questions at issue between the Kingdom of Leaphigh and our beloved country. If they would now only do us justice in the very important affair of the long-standing and long-neglected redress, which we have been seeking in vain at their hands for the last seventy-two years, I should say that our relations were on the best possible footing.

“Sir, I congratulate you on the profound respect with which the Leaplow name is treated, in the most distant quarters of the earth, and on the benign influence this fortunate circumstance is likely to exercise on all our important interests.

“I see but little probability of effecting the object of my special mission, but the utmost credit is to be attached to the sincerity of the smiles of the king and queen, and of all the royal family.”

“In a late conversation with his majesty, he inquired in the kindest manner after the health of the Great Sachem [this is the title of the head of the Leaplow government], and observed that our growth and prosperity put all other nations to shame; and that we might, on all occasions, depend on his most profound respect and perpetual friendship. In short, sir, all nations, far and near, desire our alliance, are anxious to open new sources of commerce, and entertain for us the profoundest respect, and the most inviolable esteem. You can tell the Great Sachem that this feeling is surprisingly augmented under his administration, and that it has at least quadrupled during my mission. If Leaphigh would only respect its treaties, Leapthrough would cease taking our seamen, Leapup have greater deference for the usages of good society, and the king of Leapover would seize no more of our ships to supply his mistress with pocket-money, our foreign relations might be considered to be without spot. As it is, sir, they are far better off than I could have expected, or indeed had ever hoped to see them; and of one thing you may be diplomatically certain, that we are universally respected, and that the Leaplow name is never mentioned without all in company rising and waving their caudae.”

“(Signed.) JUDAS PEOPLE’S FRIEND.”

“Hon.– – – – – – – –, etc.”

“P. S. (Private.)”

“Dear Sir:--If you publish this dispatch, omit the part where the difficulties are repeated, I beg you will see that my name is put in with those of the other patriots, against the periodical rotation of the little wheel, as I shall certainly be obliged to return home soon, having consumed all my means. Indeed, the expense of maintaining a tail, of which our people have no notion, is so very great, that I think none of our missions should exceed a week in duration.

“I would especially advise that the message should dilate on the subject of the high standing of the Leaplow character in foreign nations; for, to be frank with you, facts require that this statement should be made as often as possible.”

(Taken from the Project Gutenberg Etext of
The Monikins, by J. Fenimore Cooper)

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